The question that plagues researchers and common-folk alike: is who we are as children and adults determined by nature or nurture? If we have children, how much of what we teach them or model for them will shape who they will become? Do we really have any control when it comes to shaping our children’s futures?
I was an introvert as a child, choosing books and piano practice over socializing with other kids my age. When I did play with friends, I was a follower; I never led. I was in plenty of activities that forced me to interact and socialize, but when I wasn’t at dance, choir or youth groups, I was in my bedroom with a book. In high school I was “forced” to be more social in choir; my musical aptitude made me a section leader, teaching the altos the notes in our separate rehearsals. But I still preferred my “space.” I would hang out with friends at lunch, but unless I was feeling like I wanted to be with people, I just sat kinda close to them at the table.
As an adult, I’m more divided between introvert and extrovert. At work I’m given a lot of alone time as my team is comprised of sales agents who are rarely in the office and mostly call me when they’re on the road or at a potential client’s house. At church I’m a “leader” of the Communications Committee, mostly because I have some knowledge of the web and social media and I have a team of people I can ask to do certain tasks.
I love my “me” time. I’ve been known to cancel outings at the last minute because I’m not feeling “up to it.” I like being with people on my own terms. And I’m noticing the same traits in my daughter. At school or at church she’ll separate herself from other kids. Not all the time, but more often than I’d like. She keeps a book nearby so she can read when she’s “lonely.” Sometimes it’s because no one wants to play with her, sometimes she says she just needs to be alone. And I wonder if she comes by this naturally or because she’s an only child. Since it’s just the two of us at our place, she’s used to quiet and her own space. She can do what she wants when she wants without other kids telling her what to do, invading her space or interrupting whatever she’s doing. I do my best to keep her in social situations: church, school, dance, plays. And we recently had a talk about needing a good balance of “people time” and “me time.” Perhaps she’s just uncomfortable with being around people for an extended amount of time. Or maybe she’s just pre-determined to be shy like I was/am.
Maybe nature has more of an influence than we can ever hope to overcome. My mother was the oldest in her family. Was. In her thirties, she learned that she is actually a middle child. Her father had been married before he married her mother, that much she knew. What she didn’t know was that he’d had a son in that prior marriage and when he divorced his wife he gave up all rights to the child and never had any contact with him as he grew up. Through a series of events, my mother finally met her older brother. I can guarantee that if we had ever run into him before we knew who he was, we’d have had no question in our minds that this was the son of my grandfather: he walked like him, stood like him, talked like him, and had the same mannerisms. For all intents and purposes he was a clone of my grandfather. My uncle grew up with his mother and stepfather, never knowing his “real” dad and yet he seemed to be just like him. His personality and moral compass came from the parents he lived with, yet his physical mannerisms were of his father.
So where does this leave us? Do we give up on nurturing our children, knowing that nature has a higher likelihood of winning the behavior war? Do we keep nurturing our children, hoping that we can overthrow nature?
I think Nature has given us an example of how to get the best out of our children. We can plant the seeds of what we find good and acceptable, but if we do not tend the seeds and buds, the native plants and weeds that we don’t like will take over. We may not be able to get rid of the weeds for good, but if we keep them trimmed away from the flowers we grow, we’ll have a strong and healthy garden to be proud of.
You can read more of Michelle’s writing at Single Mom Sanctuary.
Photo property of the author, taken by Jules Shendelman.
They are a team, Nature and Nurture. Nature is what we are capable of. Nurture shapes who we become. One without the other produces completely different results. The condition of the “union” (relationship/marriage) that produces and/or raises a child is a strong factor as well. Divorce, for example, changes the amount of influence each parent has over a child’s internal compass, and creates the kind of trauma that forces a child to deal with life on new terms.The Death of a parent creates a similar shift in a child’s equilibrium and can change outcomes. And then, at some point, the ultimate outcome is up to them and whether or not they choose to nurture the best in themselves or not. My personal nature/nurture history has shaped a woman who has simultaneously had strong morals yet lived outside of them at times, and who has latent talents that life helped set aside for a time. My history as a mother has shown me that yes, as parents we DO have a very strong influence over our children, but not the ultimate wand in terms of the results.
I always come to the same conclusion when I analyze such topics–the strongest influence we have over anyone, is how we love them. While love is not a panacea, it is certainly the most powerful tool at our disposal– an ancient medicine that affects every person differently with the constant, hovering potential for miraculous growth and/or healing.
Great post, Michelle–obviously you got me thinking! Your daughter is lucky to have such a talented, contemplative, intelligent, loving and astute mother. The fact that you care about her nature and what effect you have on it, is a gift many children never get to enjoy.