Teaching Tolerance

I have been a liberal for as long as I can remember. I can remember when I was less than 10 years old I was told a family friend was gay. I remember thinking, “OK.” That was it. It didn’t bother me, I didn’t have any questions. I just took it as matter-of-fact whatever. I don’t remember being “taught” to be OK with sexual orientation, or any other lifestyle choice or non-choice. I probably just absorbed it from observing my family’s actions and words, or perhaps it was taught to me when I was young enough that I forgot the means and retained the end.

I’m always very careful not to force someone into thinking the way I do or believing what I do. Anytime I present new information to my daughter, I do so in a way that gives her all the information or the beliefs from both sides of the argument, leave out my opinion, and let her figure out what is right for her. While I would LOVE for her to always agree with me, I want her to develop her own sense of self by figuring out what is important to her and where she stands on issues in the world.

When Prop 8 was on the ballot she asked what it was about; having seen the signs everywhere she was curious. I explained in a non-partisan way that some men loved men and some women loved women, and that the people who wanted Prop 8 to pass thought it was wrong for gays and lesbians people to marry each other and they wanted marriage to stay between a man and a woman. And I told her the people who wanted Prop 8 to fail believed that everyone should be allowed to marry the person they love. She thought about it for a minute and then said, “Well, it’s not fair to tell people they can’t marry someone if they love them!” Leave it to a preschooler to say the truth in my heart. And when the opportunity came up to take a picture for the NOH8 campaign last year, my daughter was more than happy to do it, knowing that it stood for our desire for all people to have a voice in the world and to not be silenced by laws.

While I am liberal, I understand (and to the best of my ability, tolerate) those who are not liberal and those who have differing opinions on hot topics. I don’t mind if people don’t agree with my points of view, but what I don’t tolerate is those who don’t tolerate (hypocritical of me, I know.), and even hate, people that go against their beliefs. I understand that we’re not all going to agree on everything, if anything, but I don’t see the purpose of hating someone who believes or lives differently than you do.

A friend of mine decided that her young son was not going to be watching Sesame Street anymore after seeing an episode that had a segment showing a young girl and her two dads. My friend decided that she couldn’t let her son be exposed to something so wrong, and she encouraged her friends to boycott Sesame Street since they were showing “sinners” on a public-broadcast childrens’ show.

I managed to bite my tongue and not tell her that it didn’t matter if her son saw two homosexuals on television; at some point the child will meet a kid who has two parents. I didn’t tell her that she could have used that episode as a teaching moment, perhaps telling her child that while there are many “two dad” or “two mom” families out there, their particular family does not agree that there should be. I didn’t tell her that she should teach her child to tolerate different people, even if the family believes other people are “living in sin.”

We can teach our children that there are many different types of people out there that live differently than us, and we can teach them what we believe in the hopes that they will agree with us, but we should also teach them not to hate those who are different. You can tolerate someone/something without agreeing with them/it. You can disagree with someone/something without hating them/it.

On a recent holiday, our family went to a friend’s house for dinner with her family. I explained to my daughter that we were going to celebrate with our friend’s family, that there might be different foods than we’re used to. She told me she already knew about that, that my mother had been talking about it to her. I told her all of the different people’s names, since it had been awhile since she’d seen some of them. And then I explained that one of the people, my friend’s daughter, was a bit different from the last time we saw her. My daughter exclaimed, “I know! She’s a vegetarian!” I chuckled and agreed, but told her there was another difference. My friend’s daughter was transitioning from a woman to a man. I explained how she/he felt different inside and finally realized it felt more natural to be a man. My daughter’s response was, “Ok, but is he really not going to eat any of the turkey??” My heart melted when I understood that my daughter was more concerned with the vegetarianism than the sex change.

Tolerance can be taught. We just have to give people, give our children, the opportunity to learn it.

Photo is property of Michelle Stillson

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