Do you have children: Yes. Do you want children: No.
I’m pretty sure my online dating profile looks like I’m trying to sell my child. They all ask the same 2 questions: Do you have children (yes or no) and do you want children (yes, no, not sure). Mine says yes and no. Yes I have a child, no I don’t want any. They never have a box that says I don’t want any more children.
Recently I went with two friends to Babies ‘R Us: one is pregnant for the first time and the other is a mom of two; her newest is about 6 months old or so. We took pregnant friend to the store not to register but to give our opinions on what is good, better and unnecessary. At one point the conversation included having gender-neutral colors for the expensive things in case pregnant friend had a second child of a different gender. And of course, the conversation turned to having more than one child. I, of course, expressed my disinterest in having more children. I’ve got the one, I’m good. Done.
Most, if not all, moms I meet dismiss my comment because of my age. “But, you’re not even 30 yet! How can you decide now that you don’t want any more children?”
Let’s see… I’m 27 with a 6-year-old daughter. I’ve raised her by myself for the past 5 years (for the most part – I love that we’ve been living with my parents since my divorce) and I’m still single. Not dating at all (mostly by choice, partly by schedule), which means there is no man in my life who might be “the one” and marry me in the next year or two. If I met Mr. Right tomorrow, I’d still want to date for a good year or so to counteract the short courtship my ex-husband and I had. Then after we tie the knot, I’d want a good year or two with just the 3 of us (Mr. Right, daughter and me) before we have another kid. That puts my daughter at 10+ years old and me in my mid-thirties when Jr. #2 arrives. Knowing the amount of work raising an angel takes (I’ve been blessed to have a remarkably well-behaved child), I’m not sure I want to start all over again.
Add to the fact that I’m looking at a 18+ year commitment with my current offspring (more likely a 25+ year commitment, since I’m currently the poster-child for that right now), I’d like to have an adult life before I’m too old to enjoy it. It sounds selfish and silly, I know. But it’s what I want. The way I’ve got it now, *hopefully* my daughter would be out of the house by the time I’m in my mid to late forties. I’ve spent my 20s focused solely on my child. I don’t resent her for it, but I do see what I’ve missed.
“But what if Mr. Right wants children?”
Then he’s not Mr. Right-for-me. Yes, there should be some compromise in a relationship, but the decision to have children should never be a compromise. We’re not talking about taking turns watching our favorite tv shows. We’re talking about a child’s life and my life. I don’t want to resent myself, my husband and my child just because I said “yes” to something I really don’t want.
So, yes, it may seem odd that such a young person has decided to not procreate (again), but it’s my decision. And I’ve had time to come to that decision.
But I promise I won’t get my tubes tied right away. Just in case I bump into Mr. Right this afternoon.
Visit Michelle’s personal site here.
This was interesting. I agree that having more kids is never never something to be compromised. And I liked to hear you say that you are looking forward to your ‘childless’ years. We all are a little. Most of us hate to admit it.
I was never going to have kids because I felt I completely lacked a maternal instinct. Then I felt selfish because my husband wanted kids, and we had one. I love her, and I don’t regret it, but it turned out I wasn’t too far off on that whole maternal instinct thing. Some women talk about being sad when their babies become kids – I felt nothing but relief that my child could finally communicate in whole sentences and didn’t need diapers. And I still can’t stand other people’s babies. I even avoid babysitting my own nephew.
So, yeah, I’m done, too, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Having a child is not buying a puppy. It’s a huge commitment – physically, emotionally, financially. I’m more perplexed by the people that have more than one child. I count it as one of the great perks of having her in my early twenties, that when she is all grown up and out on her own, we’ll still be young enough to enjoy the time to ourselves, like we didn’t do in our twenties while everyone else was out partying, because we were too busy juggling work and day care and diapers, and all those other parental responsibilities. But at the same time, I’m glad we took advantage of the years where we could get 3 hours sleep and still have a productive day at work the next day, rasing a happy, healthy kid than wasting those youthful superpowers on partying.
Exactly! I may not go to river parties cuz I’m at home with my kid (yes, amen to the no-more-diapers part), but I’ll be able to travel while I’m still young enough to enjoy it and old enough to appreciate it.
Michelle ~ I too quite unfashionably was a mom by the age of 25. But I agree with Julie about the advantages of keeping up, energy wise, in your twenties. My mom would frequently joke after spending alone time with her grandkids: “There’s a reason you have children when you’re young!” As for things like traveling the world and enjoying a quiet house, I figure we all get to do it on either the front-end or the back-end of child-rearing, if that’s the path we chose. It all works out in the end. So far as how many to have or whether to have them? I can’t imagine judging any decision as personal as that. It’s simply none of our business.
Two things to make sure I say right up front: we have eight children (mutual decision), and I am not female. You may therefore safely ignore me if you like, knowing the glasses I have on.
Frankly, I deeply respect someone that is willing to say, “you know what? I don’t WANT any more children.” We did, but I do perfectly understand why someone might not. Nothing is sadder, and I mean NOTHING, than a child that is desperate to be the center of the universe being raised by someone that isn’t interested in them. It isn’t uncommon.
What is uncommon is the honesty of this post, and the comments that follow it. Refreshing. Thanks. I personally think you’re missing out, but then, I also think The Office is painfully unfunny. So probably it’s me. At least you’re willing to actually think about what YOU want, and not just cave to the societal pressure, whichever way that particular wind is blowing today.
Thank you. I, too, find The Office unfunny. Just knowing my current situation, it seems unlikely that I’ll be in a position to want/get/afford another child.
I, too, am in the “one’s enough for me” boat, and am about your age, I’m guessing. I get a lot of the same reactions/questions that you do, but one you didn’t mention was: “don’t you think your son will be lonely?” To which I have a fabulous reply: He has three cousins, two of which he sees on an almost-daily basis, that are barely a year apart in age. Isn’t that even *better* than siblings? You get the fun and bonding, without having to fight over who mom loves more.
I have a younger brother. We’re close, but I’m just as close with the cousins I grew up with, to be honest. Family is family.
The other big one is finances. I like being able to buy my son a toy or DVD here and there, but if he had siblings, that money would undoubtedly go toward more diapers or something. There’s only so much to go around.
Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this boat.
And hey — we’re still young enough to change our minds
Yes, my daughter has lots of friends her own age through family and church. I have a younger sister, but I’m a bit closer to my 3rd cousin. And, yes, finances is a big issue.
On the upside, the lonely question doesn’t last long. It seems like you blink and then they are in school and scouts and going to sleepovers with friends and in plays, and whatever other activity catches your kids fancy and then you’ll start to wonder how people with more than one child ever do anything except play personal driver. (I guess that’s why they’ve got those big comfy SUVs?)
When you’ve had enough kids, you know. Some people may believe they want one or want more than one, but they truly may not. I have three. I love each one too pieces, but I am DONE. Good for you for knowing when enough is enough. Now, how’s that internet dating going?
Yeah, I meant ‘to pieces’. Must be time for my afternoon latte…
Would you consider a puppy?
Lol. At the moment, no. I’m moving to an apartment complex that doesn’t allow dogs. Maybe someday in the future. Though, to be honest, I’m more of a cat person.
Who said “know thyself?” Somebody important. And so correctly. I do, you do. As long as you’re true to your own needs, abilities and goals, how could that be wrong? Very good topic and a great post!
What a great post. As a mom to one boy, by mutual choice with my husband, your reasoning makes perfect sense to me. And what supportive comments! I’m tired of people thinking it’s selfish to have one child. On the contrary, I find the opposite is true. Thank you for sharing your wonderful insight.
Keep up the good work, I like your writing.